5 Easy Tips for getting your ass kicked this holiday season

1. Giving Me Fruit Cake

Fruit Cake sucks. Why is it even a part of Christmas? It tastes like bullshit! I just wish fruitcake is banned soon. Maybe I'll tell Donald Trump that Fruit Cake was invented in Syria, so it will get banned.

2. Singing Christmas Songs

Christmas music sucks. All of them are horrible, except the nutcracker and that wait for the bells song. Those sound like they were written by Children of Bodom, and that band kicks ass. So almost every christmas song sucks. Jingle Bell Rock? More like Jingle bell sucks! Joy to The World should be called "Death to the world", and maybe instead of Silent Night, Holy Night, we have Silent Night Bodom Night? Hey, why not have Children of Bodom make every christmas song, or have every Children of Bodom song be christmas music. Yeah, just replace Bodom with Bethlehem, and we may be singing Bastards of Bethlehem while drunk off alcoholic eggnog.

Way better than that stupid fucking Mistletoe and Holly song.

3. Using the Mistletoe as an attempt to get laid

Speaking of Mistletoe, I hate the idea that you have to kiss the person under it, as if there was some law that if you don't do it, you'll get your ass kicked by Alexi Laiho or something, I don't know. All that does is promote rape if you think about it. Let's say Joe is a neckbeard who is trying to get laid. So in order to finally get a kiss from a FFEEEEEMALE, he has to find a way to do so. So he uses a tool for tools to get their tool in some girl, and according to tradition, the girl must kiss this fat, ugly, neckbearded Joe. So this shitnugget goes around to every female member of our species trying to get a kiss against their own will, and he won't stop until every lady gives him at least one kiss, and it's bad enough half of them are drunk anyway, so...

See where the whole thing gets super rapey?

If someone tried that on me, I would've mace the guy right there, then kick him in the nuts. Fuck you Joe, you ain't getting some tonight, especially because I'm the one getting all the action, and I didn't even have to try.

4. Forcing me to watch those awful christmas movies

Speaking of rape and trying, christmas movies are the worst pieces of shit I have ever seen. It's bad enough everyone decided to watch them, now every TV network has decided to show them non-stop. Why? They always have the most bullshit message. What about the Grinch? How is he bad? Well, the song describes how much of a piece of shit he is, but in reality, the whovians are the pieces of shit. The Grinch explains that the reason he hates Christmas is because his neighbors make too much noise. Wonderful message folks; if some guy complains about noise, then he is an asshole.

Then we get to Rudolph. So apparently racism and bigotry is cool. Let's see what the message of Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer is:

Rudolph is born with a red nose.

The other reindeer make fun of him.

His dad tells him to cover it up so no one will know, because he couldn't even support his son or love him the way he is (what a piece of shit!).

Santa knows, but doesn't care.

The only time Rudolph's shiny red nose comes in handy is on a foggy night.

Now everybody loves him, only due to his birth defect being useful

Don't get me started on that awful Mickey Mouse adaptation of The Christmas Carol, as we all know, Beavis and Butthead did it better.

5. Not shutting up about Trump for the Billionth Time!!!

Shut up!!

So have a happy holiday, and for fucks sake, please go one christmas without giving me fruit cake or raping people, it's not cool, k?