The internet seems to be rife with bad advice. I mean, I just made an article the other day telling you that if you want a gf, you have to pretend to like something else. The only difference is that was satire. When it comes to feminist critique, no one fucks up quite like Anita Sarkeesian...too bad we aren't talking about her. Oh no, we're talking about the whole "response" thing to which youtubers try to debunk all the things she says when she talks about how female video game characters are sexist portrayals...and I guess EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IN EXISTENCE IS SEXIST except Mary-sues, and let's not go that route.
Yes, Peach and Zelda are the most useless, lazy characters ever. How useless are they? Alucard's Soul Steal Technique in a room full of Gingers useless.
Yet that doesn't stop the hordes of idiots who, like Warcorpse666, think they're such intellectual giants for debunking a lousy internet critic. Yes, ladies and gents, there are people who think those damsels in distress aren't useless at all. Now all of us have known how useless they are from the beginning, This video example isn't Warcorpse666, but watching it, trust me, you'll wish it was.
So where do we start? Oh yeah, this bullshit:
So let's see this trainwreck analyzed. Start at the title....More than a "Damsel in a Dress"? Is that a joke? Is that supposed to be funny? Not even the guy who made the credits to Castlevania for the NES would find that funny, and at least it was kinda funny reading Christopher Bee. Holy shit, we haven't even played the video and already we have a major problem. So thanks for trying to be funny and clever when you aren't. A great man once said: "Kinder gardeners don't find this funny. Aliens don't find this funny."
Not even a full minute and you pronounced Anita Sarkeesian as Anita Skarskeesian? What, were you trying to be Joe Gran or was that an accident? How embarrassing. The next 2-3 minutes is just an explanation of Anita Skarkazons.
So then she goes on to say that yes, Princess Peach is ditzy and all that shit, and saying there's nothing wrong with that and other bullshit about how she's so well respected in the universe as if she personally went to Afghanistan and ripped Bin-Laden's spinal-cord out through his anus...I think me and Papa Maddox would disagree with that. Mainly because we don't play for Peach at all, we play Mario for Mario.
Yeah, I'd like to see that do well in a place like SR388. Yeah, I would like to mod a difficulty in AM2R where instead of Samus, you play as Peach, and everytime you die, there would be a quote thingy like in Call of Duty, only the quotes are all by me.
I also don't see how Zelda is the most positive character ever, when all she does is nothing in the game. Oh, is she supposed to be so important in the in-game universe? Big whoop, I wanna be important. This is why I play games like Doom or Metroid. I think Samus is a more positive character, mainly because she positively kicks ass and blows shit up while chewing on Pirate guts, because bubblegum is for pussies!! I would like in a Metroid Prime game where you could just rip and tear enemies apart, climb ledges, and do shit by yourself.
In all seriousness, both Peach and Zelda have little to no personalities, as in they're just Split-head in Silent Hill level personalities...that personality being taking lead or something. They were added in the game for an objective, because Metroid wasn't around. They were added so you could try to at least give a shit. Now that video games have evolved beyond bits and chip-tunes, there basically is no need for this, and now we have to focus on much better stories.
The Damsel in Distress trope should be retired I think not because it's sexist, but because I couldn't give two shits about who I rescue. Who is this dumbass who gets kidnapped all the time and why should I give a shit?! I could just be minding my own business in space going my way in a Metroid game chilling in the ship, then some asshole flips me off as he's flying off in his spaceship, so then I have to chase him for a good while and avoid every obstacle, and when I catch up to the guy, Samus would beat his skull in. Or how about some dangerous creature like a Metroid gets stolen by Ridley, and suddenly I give a shit. That thing could kill us all if it falls in the wrong hands. Suddenly I give a shit, because I'm immersed in the game. No longer do I have to rescue someone who could get killed just by accidentally bumping into them with the Power Suit, I have to stop these assholes from commiting galaxy-wide xenocide.
I find it strange that Peach and Zelda were mostly regarded as terrible examples of female characters, then after INeedYourCarKeysIan made her videos, now suddenly everybody likes them. I don't get it, why?
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