Angrygrape1337's One Paragraph Game Reviews

So I had the creative idea of doing a one-paragraph review. Ever heard of games that suck so bad? No, I'm not talking about Call of Duty or Madden, not even Destiny. I'm talking about games that suck so bad you have to think "why does this exist?" and can only have only a few sentences to explain why they're so bad? I'm here to answer these questions in a single paragraph. I'll give each game my own rating from my rating system from F (Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, Back to the Future (NES), Superman 64) to A (Mario, Sonic, Zelda). Okay, without further ado, let's go:

1. Huniepop



Yeah, might as well get the obvious out of the way. This game is garbage, it sucks. The music, voices, and the gameplay is shit. The only thing that will make it better is if it has a port to any better game instead of a Candy Crush rip-off. Otherwise, it sucks.

Even that Teddy Bear looks impressed.

Verdict:

2. Senran Kagura

What do you get when you cross Dynasty Warriors with smutty fanservice? You get a Dynasty Warriors rip-off that is uninspired. The designs and graphics are shit. Why would I play this shit when I could take down all of my enemies in Feudal Era China? At least my brain cells won't rot when playing Dynasty Warriors, seeing as how you learn about Chinese History, unlike this piece of shit.





Verdict:

3. Hyperdimension Neptunia

Ugly graphics, shitty gameplay, ear-grating voices, generic RPG elements, what else is there to hate? What about the fanservice and the oversexualization of loli characters? That's what there is to hate. Oh, and that stupid bandage scene, like who gets off to this shit? Pass.

Verdict:

4. Senran Kagura Estival Versus

How do we make sure we're the same shit over and over again? Oh, I know, more fanservice. What's with the faux-Latin? I'm pretty sure Vergil is giving you stupid fucks the finger near the dark woods close to Hell by now. So fuck this bullshit.





Verdict:

5. Gal Gun

What the game is about is that you are being chased by a bunch of teenage girls in your high school who are thirstier than Dracula at a Blood Donor's Convention, so you have to keep them away by shooting them with pheremone shots that somehow makes them get off...if only they were real bullets, then we would have a classic instead of shit, kinda like Time Crisis or Virtua Cop.




Verdict:

6. Dead or Alive

Hey Tekken fans, here's a game series that's kinda like Tekken, only somehow worse than Tekken 6. How the fuck does that happen? This is nothing more than a Virtua Fighter rip-off, only to be made shittier. Terrible mechanics, shitty character designs, the "combos" are nothing but a bunch of two-button option bullshit, and this game sucks because of unwanted_____________ (Fill in the blank. Hint: It starts with F, and ends in anservice)




Verdict:

7. Dead or Alive Xtreme

Same shit, only on the Beach. Mortal Kombat had a beach stage, Virtua Fighter has a beach stage, even Tekken 3 had a beach stage with it's own volleyball minigame, so isn't this spinoff basically DLC, but at full price? Fuck Team Ninja for their bullshit corporate practices. I still can't believe they made it to three, when in a perfect world, this series would've died off at the first one, while Half Life 3 was released in 2008.




Verdict:











8. Hyperdimension Neptunia Rebirth...Whatever

 It's a rebirth alright...a rebirth of shit! How many games are there? How many shitty games can these developers keep pushing out? I heard Call of Duty is officially a dead series, but why couldn't it have been this shitty game series? Hey, at least Call of Duty was selling for a while, this shit won't even sell here in America at all, unless the company who makes these games packaged a better game like Strider 2014* in it.



Verdict:

9. Sakura Spirit

This embodies everything I hate about visual novels. We have uninteresting protagonist gets childhood friend, a stundere, loli with big tits, all the workings of a shitty harem anime in a shitty game. You know what's better than this game? Being water-boarded with a mixture of Buffalo piss and Gorilla Diarrhea. If you come across this game on Steam, get Age of Empires II HD Edition instead, you'll save hard-earned money that way.










Verdict:

10. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night/Super Metroid Double Whammy

What can I say about Castlevania: Symphony of the Night that hasn't been said before? I mean, the music is awesome, the gameplay is excellent, what with the RPG elements, and the controls are fluid as fuck. Did I mention Alucard is awesome as hell? The areas are expansive as fuck, the atmosphere ranges from dark and dreary, to gothic and beautiful, to more aquatic and isolated, and the music associated with these places give them such a personality that graphics alone can't accomplish. If you have a PS1, or at least a PS3, then get this game now!!!




Verdict:

Alright, graphics, music, gameplay,  you guessed it, they're top-notch, so what else is there? Maybe the fact that the game is so well put together, that there are secrets that even I am unable to find, maybe the replayability of it makes it last so long, could it be that the atmosphere of isolation makes you fearful yet excited to explore? Metroid Fusion and Zero Mission were cool 2D Metroid games, but Super Metroid was considered the best even in the Gameboy Advanced era, which is a testament to the game's legendary status. Super Metroid is a well polished classic. Okay, seriously, get off your ass, get a SNES (get the game cartridge, too, retard. The SNES doesn't come with Super Metroid), and GO FUCKING PLAY THIS GAME, IT IS SO WORTH YOUR TIME!!!!



Verdict:

That's right, I decided to go beyond A-grade to SSS-grade for both games, because A-grades are for pussies!

As you can see, the reason why nine out of eleven games I reviewed suck is because they're niche games, and they're niche for a reason; nobody wants to play them. Do you really think this shit would ever be acceptable in the gaming industry? Fuck No!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna hype for AM2R and Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night.



*I played the demo of Strider 2014, and holy shit that game kicks ass!!