Another year another shitty Valentine's Day, which is kind of a redundant statement, as Valentine's Day is always shit. Every year on February 14th, I'm wishing a meteor comes in and kills everything on Earth. But then again if that happens, the universe would never be blessed with my sexiness again.
But seriously, what is up with this holiday? What's the fucking point? The whole holiday has the worst aesthetic, the worst purpose, and the worst celebrations. I'm sick of seeing teddy bears and cupids, damn cupids all of them! I wanna put them in a meat grinder and grind them up, but then again would anyone want to eat a cupid? Don't even get me started on the damn couples everywhere, the hugging, the cooing, the playing grabass, the hearts, the shitty candies, the teddy bears, fuck it, I hate it all!
Overall, I want to pull a Sephiroth and send a giant meteor on every damn cupid there is. Fuck Cupids, time to celebrate 2nd Halloween. I'll be bringing out the cold ones and watch some Hammer Dracula.
Wait, did I forget something? Oh yeah, in Japan, they do Valentine's Day in the stupidest and most backwards way imaginable. Get this, the women have to be the ones to send chocolates to the guys, as if we're all fucking white women.[1] Like what actual man is thinking to himself "Gosh wouldn't be great if I got chocolate this Valentine's Day?" because if that happens, he pretty much doesn't have any testicles left. This is the country that brought us Samurais, Judo, and Pride FC for crying out loud. Guess who the culprit is. No really, guess. Okay do I have to tell you? Okay fine.
It's the candy companies, yet another reason to hate corporations. Back in the 1950s, Valentine's Day got super popular in Japan, and it got popular thanks to confectionary companies. Then those same companies made it a thing where women have to give chocolates to the guys. That's right, the damn companies went and told women-their primary audience mind you-to bother guys about Valentine's Day.
At least with Shinra, everything they do is so dickish that everyone on the planet wants them all dead, with these confectionary companies, they're far more trickier and far more sneaky, they might even make Shinra scream in horror. This is what happens when gullible people fall for corporations' collective bullshit. Let's not forget this spawned the thing called Giri-Choco which means "Obligation Chocolate" which is used to give to co workers and bosses so they don't feel offended or left out. That is bullshit, because it destroys the meaning of what a gift is, which is something that is sincere.
Thankfully there's a pushback against the "Giri-Choco" thing in recent years that even the companies are saying that Japanese women don't have to do that. But why stop there? Why not push back against Valentine's Day in general? Do you really think St. Valentine, the guy who got frantically disemboweled by lions mind you, would want to see his holiday this pussified?
Well either way, White Day is supposedely the day on March 14th where the guys get to return the favor. Well on this March 14th, I will kill every Candy company CEO in Japan with a sword long enough to indicate I have a small penis. Then I'll burn every fucking cupid to ash and summon a giant meteor to destroy this planet, because if a holiday like Valentine's Day exists, we have failed as a species.
Me after slaughtering cupids, burning their villages, and about to summon meteor to destroy this Jenova-forsaken planet on White Day!
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