Another Metroid 2 Remake: Does This Game Kick So Much Ass?!

WARNING: If you suck so much at games, then don't play this, only to complain to me that you can't get past virtually the first minute of the game. Also, minor spoilers, even though it's a metroid game, so the plot should be known by now.

Your Fucking right about that! Also, yes, this is what the game looks like.

This could count as an addendum to Dookieshed's review, and this originally appeared on Reddit, but I decided to move my review from there to here, where formatting magic happens. If you haven't seen it yet, go see it first. Another Metroid 2 Remake (AM2R) by DoctorM64 is an awesome game you should totally play. It's no Federation Forces, either.

In fact, it's not at all casualized garbage and a half-finished game. Like with EA releasing the same football game, all they do is update some stats, new roster, then bam!! NEW GAME...with graphics only getting SLIGHTLY better each year (Source: AngryJoe (And he means Slightly in the damn review)). I would rather go outside and play Football, and I don't even like Football!

Nobody likes Huniepop (Source: ME!!). It is the worst indie game I have ever seen. If you're like me going around having taste and all that shit, and have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about, it's some shitty dating sim featuring a diverse cast of characters, such as Durka Durka Jihad, a Discount Jenny McCarthy, SSSHHHHEEEEIIITTT!!!!, the average Gender Studies Major, and rejected Black Butler character, while playing a shitty version of Candy Crush (As if Candy Crush isn't shitty enough) while listening to bad voice acting at the same time (Just take a listen).

I'm not kidding, I'd rather have a Camel take a toxic dump on my face, than play this putrid fuck-ton of shit.From left to Right: Durka Durka Jihad, Discount Jenny McCarthy, About To Commit Suicide, Who is this bitch, Helium, Legbeard, SSHHHHEEEEIIIITTT!!!!, Rejected Black Butler Character, and seriously who is this bitch?!

Only real losers would play that game, and if it weren't for the clusterfuck that is GamerGate, this game, along with Hatred, would've been left in hell to rot where it belongs.

Either that, or it may be the creator of Huniepop, Ryan Kuntz.

Okay, rant time is over, now back to AM2R!! It's a remake of Metroid 2 for the original Gameboy. The question you might be asking is this: What makes the remake better than the original? Well, here's one example of what makes this version better than the original; it has color....nuff said!! Review's over!! GO HOME!!!



























Just kidding, dipshits!! The review must go on.

CONTROLLERS

So you use the controller, such as an Xbox 360 controller, or other USB controllers, so it has a variety of buttons and other features to use. You could do one-button morphing, and auto-climbing, aimlock to walk backwards, and just walking. Although, I would like a Wii U Controller with a USB end just to add to the Nintendo experience. Controllers are not a nice to have in this game, YOU NEED ONE, OR THIS GAME WILL MAKE YOU IT'S BITCH IF YOU USE KEYS ON YOUR KEYBOARD!!!

THE LEVELS

The levels are awesome. There's lava flooding the areas you can't go in yet. May be linear, but every time you go into a new area, you can start wherever you like. Also, the lava recedes into the caverns below after completing the area. It's awesome that in the Hydrostation, you could go into Morph ball, go into those machines, and have the water shoot you upwards. Don't get me started on the Factory Stage. There is also this freedom to go and do whatever you like. For example, what you could do is use the Spider Ball to climb out of the pit you just entered like this, or if you're as edgy as I am, you could tell that Spider Ball to go fuck itself and do this! This is the sequence breaking that was missing in the Prime and Fusion games.

THE ENEMIES

The metroids from the original Metroid 2 were just such pushovers that you have no idea why they were a threat. You feel like Scorpion fighting Olaf the Snowman, or Paul Phoenix from Tekken fighting Winnie the Pooh, or Cloud Strife fighting Barney the Dinosaur. They were just too easy. Well, in the remake, the metroids are tougher, in that they are impervious to damage, except that one sweet, green spot underneath, but to hit that with a missile, you have to use strategy. However, the Metroids get smarter as they evolve, and you have to adapt quickly, and that increases tension. I would say that Zetas are harder than Chris Chan's nipples on a cold, rainy day, but I have a feeling that Omegas and Queen Metroids will kick your ass harder. But no, seriously, those Zetas will fuck you harder than any male pornstar, infact, Zetas can replace any male pornstar; they do their jobs better, like fucking you harder, and looking repulsive as fuck!

"I didn't suck my own cock just so some loser on Blogger would make a reference of me." -Ron Jeremy

Okay, so Zetas can puke acid on you. Remember when I said I'd rather have a Camel take a toxic dump on my face than play HuniePop? Well, I changed my mind, I'd rather have a Zeta Metroid Puke toxic diarrhea through it's dick on my face, melting my face into liquid flesh, than play HunieShit.

LOGBOOKS

What else is there to talk about? I covered the music, movement, controls, the enemies, the design. What else am I missing? Oh yeah, how about the menu interface? When you pause the game, you see a map. Well, duh!! But, because the game is much more vast than Metroid Zero Mission and almost as big as Super Metroid, you can put a marker on the map, and it even shows the arrow on your minimap. That is FUCKING AWESOME! Press B on your control pad (I use a PS3 controller, so it's O. Learning how to set that up, that is something separate from this) and you see icons, like settings at the bottom, Samus' Equipment, and a Logbook. Before I get to the logbook, you can enable/disable some equipment like you did in Super Metroid. Okay, now on to the logbook; this is lore in-game. Not only do you get the Primary objective, but you also get to know your environment, enemies, whatever. It's pretty fucking cool. You know what else? This part is entirely optional!!

Man, I could just play it from start to...wait, end? Not really, it's just a demo. DAMMIT!! Okay, the only flaw with this game is that it's not complete yet. Fine, maybe it's not a real complaint, but I do have some suggestions, such as Controller presets, modding, image galleries for concept art and stuff, and finally, the option for playing the original Metroid II for science.
So this demo is actually more complete than the majority of games being released these days. It also feels like a real, completed game already, and not just a huge bugfest, or a short story that lasts only an hour or so, and the graphics, even though it's taken some designs from Zero Mission, is not some rush job. There is no illusion of length; for example, in Call of Duty Advanced Warfare, you are at a funeral, and you have to 'press f to pay respects, press g to dry hump the dead body.' whatever kind of contrived bullshit to pad what is basically a 30 minute game to about 3 hours.

You'll be seeing this in your dreams every major release.

It does not need political bullshit or pandering to e-drama specialists like GamerGate to sell to the mouth-breathers of that group, nothing political...unless Donald Trump is the final boss instead of the Queen Metroid.


All this game has to offer is the game itself, not anything else. It does not need to be something you can easily do in real life. This is just Fucking Shit Up Simulator 2015--er, 2016...whatever year it comes out!!

To all the morons who thinks this is a sexist portrayal of female protagonists in games: Go fuck yourselves!!! Samus is so fucking manly that she can eat an entire Steak with nails and razor blades embedded in it, then drink a whole gallon of  blood from her enemies to wash it all down! Isn't that what you've always wanted?!!

Check out the Blog or get Rekt: http://metroid2remake.blogspot.com/

Beware the Electric Upside Down Ballsack!! (Screenshot credits goes to DoctorM64 (You kick ass at game making!))